The Day the Music Died

Okay so the title may be a little dramatic, but in a sense a part of me definitely died a year ago.  A man I loved with all my heart and that was there for me all my life finally went to be with the Lord.

It was typical Sunday.  We had just finished eating at the mall and on the way back to Bass Pro Shop. Owen was convinced he was getting a toy (not going to happen) and Eli was being swung in between David and I as we walked.  I remember laughing and having a huge smile on my face when my phone rang.  I answered my sister with laughter in my voice only to hear sobs and fear in hers.  I remember distinctly how I felt as I heard the words "Dad has had a heart attack."  There was no more
  information at the time and that she would call me later.  I hung up and went to David and said the best I could that we needed to go home.  He held me as I choked out the words to him.  The rest is a blur as I went to the car.  I remember vaguely David trying to explain to Owen that we did not have time to get him a truck and that Partner had a heart attack.  As I was putting Owen in his car seat I got all the questions of a 5 year old.  Why would someone attack Partner's heart?  Couldn't Partner just karate chop him out?  And the whole time I was praying that Jehovah Rapha (the God of healing) would heal my daddy.  As we got home and I was getting more calls with little information I started randomly trying to pack bags and David was finishing up some work so we could leave for a week.  Then I got the dreaded call from my brother Josh.  Unfortunately for Josh he takes on the roll of the bearer of bad news.  It was only months before that he called me in Kuwait to let me know that Granmommie had passed away.  I hear the dreaded words "Dad is dead."

My mind was in a fog.  I remember not being sure how to respond.  I have never been in a situation like this before.  I know I have seen reactions on movies.  I was in a fog.  My mind was jumbled and spinning.  I chose to yell at him that he was making it up and that it wasn't true.  Realizing it really wasn't what I wanted to say, but saying it anyway.  He was mad that I would accuse him of making up something so awful or that he was lying.  I don't remember anything else, but realizing that God did not answer my prayers.  And that I felt alone.  From there somehow I managed to pack, what did I pack I have no clue, and kept asking David when we could leave.   A big storm was rolling in and we needed to get out.  I kept looking at plane tickets, but I couldn't make the timing work with leaving the house and getting to the airport in time.  But I see why now, for we would have never flown out.  Not for two days.  Houston flooded with the storm, again.  We drove to Dallas to stop for the night.  I cried the whole time. And when I didn't think I could cry anymore the song "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey came on the radio.  My head hurt and I could barely see out my puffy eyes.  I tried to pull it together as I checked into the hotel.  Thinking I looked normal, but wondering why the lady was being extra nice and the people around were staring at me.  When we got the room I understood.  I truly looked like a raccoon.  I have never seen mascara so bad.  And it was waterproof.  Apparently waterproof mascara cannot hold up to the tears of grief.  It was a sleepless night.

The next morning we completed the drive.  We came through the south of Arkansas intending to take a different route at Little Rock through Heber Springs to get to Mt. View.  But I missed the turn and I found myself along a familiar path that my dad, my brother, and I traveled a many time.  It was full of memories that I wasn't ready to embrace at the time.  But realizing it was good, for this would probably be the last time I would travel this road.  The day ahead and the days to come were not easy

for me.  Family and friends helped ease the pain.  But the most important ease was prayer.  A peace, a comfort came over me that I would not know without the love of Jesus.  A peace that reminded me that even though God did not answer my prayer for healing, he still heard me and answered my prayer for peace.  A peace that I would need to remember existed in the days and months to come.  A peace that reminds me today that God is in control.  That He knows what he is doing even when my heart is breaking and that He alone can fix it.

One of the most important lessons I have learned this last year is that there is only life and light in Jesus.  He will not let me wallow in darkness if I don't want to be there.  He will pull me out.  He will show me the way.  There is no shame, guilt, or regret in Heaven.  Only here on the fallen earth.  And the guilt or regret that wants to consume me is satan trying to take his hold on me.   One day I will be welcomed with a warm embrace from my earthly father and heavenly father.  And I long for the day to come.  (no I am not suicidal.)  In the mean time I will enjoy my family and friends and the time I have hear on this earth and remember that life is futile.  I recall the day after a talk on faith that my dad said "Who would have ever thought this would be my Abigail?"  I will continue to live my life for Christ with the values and virtues and life lessons that my dad has taught me.

I love you daddy and miss you dearly.  You will forever be in my heart, with a reserved spot that no one can fill.